January 24, 2007

I know that I’ve mentioned it before, but our little Olivia is a lively one! I believe that she was meant to be lively. For me, the child who was not supposed to have life, I believe that I am meant to give life to a lively child. Although 99.99% of the time Olivia’s movements put me in awe, provide me with hours of pleasure (yes, Olivia, even when you are punching my bladder like it’s a punching bag), and make me more and more excited for her arrival, I can’t help but have those fleeting moments of emotional upset about my biological mother and whether she felt me move.

I’ve always wondered what my biological mother experienced during her pregnancy with me, but experiencing the development and life of my unborn baby has added new questions to ponder, more issues for me to consider about her and her pregnancy. Knowing that she was likely farther along in her pregnancy than 22 weeks—more like 28 weeks, I can’t help but realize, now, that she had to have felt me moving for at least a few weeks prior to her abortion attempt. Did my movement not reflect to her that she had a living being developing inside of her? Or maybe, did my movement reflect to her, just that, that a living being was developing inside of her, and this was alarming to her? Either way, it saddens me deeply that the pride and joy that I experience in the daily karate kicks and somersaults of baby Olivia, she very likely did not experience with me.

I know that my mind is my own worst enemy, but when I have thoughts like this one, my next thought is about what she experienced in her next pregnancy. Knowing that she had two other daughters, I can’t help but wonder if she found enjoyment and happiness in her subsequent pregnancies. I can’t help but wonder if she experienced any trauma or upset as it related to having terminated her pregnancy with me. I would not wish that upon anyone, including her, but there is a part of me that wants for her to have remembered me, to remember what happened to me.